What if?
by clovexoxocato
Summary: "I thump my pillow with my fist as hard as I can, pretending it's Sebastian's face, and let out another strangled sob. Max is dead, and it is all my fault." Oneshot, Isabelle reflecting on Max's death.


**Hey! So this is my first attempt at a Mortal Instruments story (I've only written Hunger Games ones before), and I chose this moment because Isabelle is my favourite character, and I thought that in this scene in the book you got to see a different side of her. I wasn't sure how to write her, as I didn't want her to sound TOO depressed, but at the same time I don't think she would be her usual self. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story! **

I thump my pillow with my fist as hard as I can, pretending it's Sebastian's face, and let out another strangled sob. Max is dead, and it is all my fault. I shakily sit up, and draw my knees in towards my chest, as if to comfort myself.

I catch sight of my reflection in my ornate mirror. My hair is tangled and unbrushed, and wet from the tears flowing from my eyes. I am wearing a lacy black slip, and without any makeup, I am unrecognisable. Vulnerable even. Maybe this way people will see me for what I really am.

No matter how many times Alec and Jack try to convince that it isn't my fault, that Sebastian killed him, not me, that I was unconscious, that we all trusted and underestimated Sebastian, there must have been something I could have done.

What if, when Max told me he saw someone climbing the demon towers, I had listened? He was so sure of it. I should have known that he was right, or at least checked, instead of passing it off as a dream, and sending him back to bed. What if, I had believed my own brother, and trusted him above anyone? What if I had listened, instead of telling him he was dreaming? If only I had listened. We could have stopped Sebastian, and Max would be here right now, tagging along after Jace, or reading one of his comic books by the fireplace.

When Alec told me to stay home and look after Max, what if, instead of complaining about being left behind, I had protected as much as I could? What if I had stayed downstairs with Max, instead of going to get my weapons and leaving him with Sebastian? I should have known he was a traitor; I should have known he was dangerous. If only I had known.

What if, when Sebastian tried to knock me out, I had fought harder? What if I had used my skill to destroy him? Everyone has been telling me that he was unnaturally strong, unlike anything they had seen before, virtually unbeatable, but I should have been stronger. For Max.

All these "what ifs" and "if onlys" aren't doing anything. However, killing Sebastian would be doing something. So this is why I will never stop, until I have found him and tortured him to death, like the bastard deserves. For every wound he gave Max, I will give him ten. I don't care how strong he is. I'm either strong enough, or I'm not. And if I'm not, then I don't deserve to be here, when Max isn't. He was just a child, who had no idea how to defend himself. I'm a Shadowhunter, who should have been more prepared, and who should have been better.

It's just then that I notice his toy soldier, clutched tightly in my hand. Maybe if I squeeze it hard enough, he'll come back, and for a moment, when I'm holding onto it, its like I'm holding onto him. Instead of this little toy, I should have been there for him to hold onto. Because I've been gripping it so tightly, my wrist has started bleeding again – I must have gotten cut sometime while I was fighting. Good, I think to myself savagely. I don't want it to heal, because if it did, it would be like letting the last part of Max slip away – the last words he spoke to me were, "Isabelle, your wrist is bleeding". He was only concerned about me, but I wasn't able to protect him or save him.

Suddenly, I hear Simon's voice outside my door.

"Isabelle" he says, his voice low and calm. I want to let him in, but I don't deserve him.

So instead, I scream, "Go away!"

He continues, however, saying, "Isabelle, let me in". I want to, Simon, but I can't, I think to myself, and throw the nearest object at the door.

I shout, "I don't want to talk to you and Clary. I don't want to talk to anyone. Leave me alone Simon", my voice rising.

However, Simon ignores me, and calmly replies, "Clary's not here. And I'm not going away until you talk to me".

By the Angel, how much I want to, but I can't. I think of the only way of getting him to go away, and scream, "Alec! Jace! Make him go away!"

There's no response, and after a little while, Simon cautiously says, "They're not here, Isabelle. It's just me".

Maybe, I can let him in. Maybe he can make me feel better. Without realizing it, I have come to a stop right in front of the door. I lean my head against the rough surface, and say quietly, almost in a whisper, "You're alone?"

He replies firmly. "I'm alone".

I decide to give him a chance, and open the door just a crack.

"You can come in", I whisper.

**Thank you so much for reading! I really do appreciate it, as well as any constructive ****criticism, so let me know whether you like it or not in a review! Thanks so much :) **


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